Friday, 17 September 2010

Plans and things

Woo-hoo - I'm back. It's been nearly 5 months since I visited my blog. It's been a tough year. Losing Dad last October started a depressive process that was exacerbated by my serious (physical) illness in February. Julia came back from London in May, and is still living in the house, and I had a major meltdown in August that meant about 200 emails didn't get opened. Still working on those.

I was prepared to allow myself a year of mourning for Dad, and by and large giving myself that permission has worked. I'm only crying about once a month now. But having fiercely independent, opinionated and somewhat abrasive Julia around, along with Sylvia turning 20, has left me feeling like a bit of a waste of space. I feel like a cliche - empty nesting all over the place! I always thought that having the kids grow up and leave home was a sign of success, and I'd have a lot more energy to myself once active hands-on parenting stopped. With 2 extra adults in the house (3 when Ben's here as well), it hasn't quite worked out that way. If anything, I have less drive. I need to ignore the mess they all make, never having seen "maid" as part of my job description, and my mouth is firmly zipped against responding to some of Julia's more outrageous utterances. (I'm not alone in that - we all recognise that she has no filters, but have agreed that challenging her can only end in evisceration, so we ignore it.) Having her here is still a treat, despite all that, and I have no desire to hasten her departure for Australia.

My creative life has virtually disappeared, which is more distressing. I knit while I'm watching the few things I enjoy on TV, so there is a large collection of fluffy cakes and a Dalek on the coffee table, but poetry? No mind space.

So, I've decided to see a Life Coach, to try and get some direction back in my life. When I announced this to the people I talk to most - Jennifer, Sylvia and Anne - they all cheered. Apparently my lost-ness hasn't gone unnoticed. Isn't it funny how the afflicted are always the last to know? So I've chosen someone, via Google, and have had a response to my enquiry. Unfortunately she's out of the country until mid-October, so I'll have to wait. At least it gives me something to look forward to!

And in the meantime, I've given myself all of Saturday to finish a commissioned poem that I've been having a tough time with. With The Academy, my poetry group, meeting on Sunday night I've got some incentive to get it at least ready for comment.

And tonight I'm using a new wireless keyboard I bought to replace the old clunky thing I've had to use since the one that came with the computer packed up. It's amazing how much faster I can type when I don't have to actually hit the keys to make them work. Loving it.